What To Do If You’re Feeling Lonely

In this bizarre, uncertain period – full of, perhaps, incessant digital connection (hello, endless ‘Teams’ meetings) and very few IRL hangs, feelings of loneliness are spiking. Here at Women’s Health, we know this first hand. After polling over 2,000 of you – our readers, listeners and followers – we found that 79% of you feel more lonely now than you did before the pandemic. For single people, this number rises to 87%. It’s thanks to this scary data that we are launching a new campaign: ‘The Loneliness Remedy.’

This hinges on a simple concept, rooted in the latest research on the significance of social connection: that much as you prep healthy food, plan your at-home workouts and take time out for self-care, working on your ‘social nutrition’ – cultivating meaningful connections and caring for others, to avoid the problem of loneliness – is key to your health. Our advice? That just as you strive to eat five portions of fruit and vegetables a day, you aim for five socially nutritious interactions every day, too. (You can read up on how to get your other five a day, here.)

Whether you’re feeling down about how you’ve not hung out with your best pals for months, thanks to the pandemic, or the lack of office chatter is leaving you feel disconnected, feeling lonely is, perhaps ironically, universal, right now.

But, what is loneliness, exactly? Simply put, ‘it’s the discrepancy between what you have and what you want from your relationships,’ says Stephanie Cacioppo, PhD, an assistant professor of psychiatry and behavioural neuroscience at the University of Chicago, who specialises in the study of loneliness and social cognition.

It’s not necessarily about being physically surrounded by people—because you might feel especially lonely in a crowd—but about your mentality. When you feel lonely, it’s usually because you aren’t quite satisfied with what you have, whether it’s in that moment or throughout your life, Cacioppo explains. And until you’re able to pinpoint and then address what you’re dissatisfied with, you’ll feel isolated, left out, and in need of companionship.

The upside: Feeling lonely isn’t necessarily a bad thing, Cacioppo notes. It’s a reminder that something’s off about your social environment and that you need to prioritise your happiness.

Chances are, though, you’re not too grateful for loneliness while you’re experiencing it. In fact, the feeling makes you more likely to interpret reality negatively, which can bring on a ton of self-loathing and self-criticism, she says. The key to turning your mood around? Adjusting your social lens to one that’s more positive.

Easier said than done, right? Thought you might say that. But here are 17 things you can actually do to feel a little less lonely, a little more confident, and way more connected.

1. Admit you’re lonely

As with a lot of things, the first step to moving forward is getting real about what you’re going through. Most people try to deny they’re lonely, or they assume they must just be anxious or depressed. Why? ‘Because there’s a lot of stigma surrounding loneliness,’ says Ami Rokach, PhD, clinical psychologist, course director at York University, and author of Loneliness, Love And All That’s Between.

Many people are ashamed to admit they feel lonely because they associate the experience with social isolation and otherness, he adds. But refusing to come to terms with your loneliness means putting off your chance to do something about it.

2. Remind yourself it’s not just you

‘We’re not alone in our loneliness,’ Rokach explains.

Now, this doesn’t mean you should necessarily lean into the loneliness simply because others are dealing with it, too, Rokach warns. It’s a great opportunity to remember that, just like anyone else, you have the power to get yourself out of this situation.

3. Be realistic

Though there are things you can do to help yourself feel less lonely, they’re not all foolproof. ‘Sometimes you won’t succeed,’ says Rokach. People won’t want to make connections with you, they’ll be too busy, or you’ll still end up feeling lonely—it happens.

Those moments will be tough, he explains, but the key is to persevere anyway. You won’t want to at the time, but if you set out to tackle your loneliness knowing it’s a win-some-lose-some game, you won’t be so quick to give up.

4. Don’t deny or distance

Because of all the shameful and self-critical feelings that accompany loneliness, a common reaction is to kid yourself into thinking you don’t actually need anyone, things are better this way, and you’ll do just fine on your own, Rokach explains. You might actually believe that for a while, too.

Down the line, however, this response will be harmful—to your mental and physical health. People need people, and everyone needs to feel loved. So, as soon as you can put a label to your loneliness, it’s time to try and do something about it.

5. Write down positive memories

This is one of those pieces of advice you’ve surely been given before, but never actually committed to. Now’s the time to give it a real shot. Just dedicating 15 minutes per day to jotting down special moments you’ve shared with friends and family can be enough to overcome negative feelings, Cacioppo explains. The process will remind you you’re not alone, and the memories are bound to improve your mood.

6. Smile

Smiling at yourself in the mirror is an unusual ask—Cacioppo gets it. So, she recommends closing your eyes and thinking of the last time you made someone smile or laugh and let your body do the rest. Will it feel strange? Yes. But, will it help? Also yes.

Just thinking of a time when you were feeling giddy will automatically bring a smile to your face—a move that will set off all those feel-good neurotransmitters in your brain and trick you into feeling happier than you were just a few secs before. Once you’re feeling a little better, hold onto that feeling by leaning into something that makes you feel really good, such as cracking open your favourite book or going for a run.

7. Take note of all the things you’re grateful for

When you’re lonely, you’ll bury yourself in your thoughts—usually bummer ones—but, as they say, ‘gratitude turns what we have into enough.’ To get yourself out of that headspace, write down a few things you’re grateful for (think: your job, a roof over your head, and a supportive family). Doing this will shift your thoughts from ones about you and your slump, to those about other people you care about and positive factors in your life.

8. Volunteer

‘Loneliness isn’t dangerous by itself, it’s what we do with it and how we recover that can be dangerous for our physical and mental health,’ says Cacioppo. To make sure you’re letting loneliness drive you toward the right thing, consider signing up to volunteer.

Dedicating a day to working with the elderly or making meals at a soup kitchen will fulfil your desire to feel needed and draw you away from the self-centered mindset that loneliness brings on. Plus, the time you spend getting to know the people you’re serving will bring out some of the intimacy and connection you’ve been craving.

9. Get a pet, or spend time with someone else’s

This one’s great for a ton of reasons. But when it comes to loneliness, interacting with animals has the power to release dopamine in the brain, which is a biggie since the chemical is associated with pleasure and rewards. More than that, walking your dog or taking your cat to the vet for a checkup is an opportunity to start up conversations with other pet owners and maybe even make a new friend, says Cacioppo.

10. Join a club or take a class

It might make you uncomfortable at first, but it might also be totally worth it. Sign up for an online wreath-making class or a digital choir, for example. Oh, the club you want doesn’t exist? Start one. Interacting with people with whom you share a common interest makes for a better chance at forming meaningful connections, Cacioppo says, which is usually what lonely people are missing from life.

11. Make a schedule for yourself and stick to it

Yeah, you probably already have waking up, working, eating, and exercising down pat, but maybe your life’s in need of a little more structure, suggests Cacioppo. Feelings of loneliness often feel like they’ll last forever and there’s nothing you can do to escape the dark cloud hanging over your head, but that’s not true. It can be hard to remind yourself that loneliness is usually temporary, so Cacioppo recommends a strict schedule.

It’s harder to feel alone when you ‘have a plan and a purpose,’ she explains. So, set alarms for an early-morning meditation, a phone call with your sister, and an evening face mask. Pre-planning them will instil you with a sense of control, too. Once you’ve come up with a schedule, stick to it as much as you can. It’ll be tough sometimes, but as long as you take it one day at a time, the structured routine will feel more and more natural, she adds.

12. Go for a walk

It gets your body moving, gives you a chance to clear your mind, and even offers opportunities to run into a neighbour for a quick chat—all reasons why Rokach is a big fan. Even if you don’t interact with anyone, studies show walks have significant effects on mood. Just a few minutes outside can stop your mood from worsening and can help combat feelings of dread that loneliness brings on.

13. Pick up the phone

Call someone you love and who cares about you. Rather than exchanging the same old how are yous and fines, actively listen to and really engage with the person on the other line. When they mention something about their lives, ask them for the backstory and let them talk.

‘People are thirsty for this kind of interaction,’ Rokach says. Everyone wants to be heard, so give someone in your life the gift of really listening to them, and let their stories take you out of your lonely headspace for a while.