Help someone (or yourself) escape domestic abuse

Table of Contents

“A pandemic within a pandemic” — that is how the New England Journal of Medicine has described domestic violence during COVID-19. According to Safe Alliance, which operates women’s and children’s shelters in Charlotte, a staggering one in three women will be impacted by sexual assault or domestic violence during their lifetime. From understanding the warning signs to creating a safety plan and learning how to find positive relationships after being in an abusive one, domestic violence is an under discussed topic.

“COVID doesn’t make an abuser,” Jacky Mulveen, project manager of Women’s Empowerment and Recovery Educators (WE:ARE), told Time Magazine. “But COVID exacerbates it. It gives them more tools, more chances to control you. The abuser says, ‘You can’t go out; you’re not going anywhere,’ and the government also is saying, ‘You have to stay in.’”

Domestic violence shelters and services have remained open in Charlotte throughout the COVID-19 pandemic, but having the privacy and ability to access them has become more challenging. “Children are at home doing online school, many people are working from home — it becomes a lot harder to make a private phone call or to get away for an appointment,” said Brandolyn McPhail, domestic violence clinician at Mecklenburg County Community Support Services.

Safe Alliance has seen a fluctuation in its number of calls throughout the past year, following an initial 45% spike when the March 2020 shutdown was announced.

“During this pandemic, especially, it is really important to check in on your neighbors, friends and family, especially if you see a pattern of them not being in touch as much,” said Karen Parker, president and CEO of Safe Alliance. “They may not be ready to come forward, but offering that support and letting them know you are there is important — and our hotline is open 24/7.”

Signs and patterns to look for

Although abuse can come in different forms, it all boils down to control — whether physical, emotional, sexual, financial or psychological. Often abusers use similar methods or patterns to gain control over their victims subtly, over a period of time. Some signs and patterns that experts advise are important to be aware of include:

Constantly tracking your whereabouts and wanting to FaceTime to see where you are and who you are with.
Working to isolate you from friends and family.
Asking incessant questions and calling nonstop when you attempt to do something with someone else to the point that it makes you not want to do anything.
Restricting access to financials — won’t give access to bank accounts, credit cards or cash; knows your income but you don’t know theirs.
Talking negatively about your friends and family and planting seeds of doubt about the people in your life.
Always wanting to be with you — grocery shopping, the gym, errands — never giving you the time or space to operate independently.
Ghosting you or disappearing as punishment if you do something to upset them.
Constantly placing blame on you for everything.
Repeating a cycle of praise, isolation and creating self doubt.
Creating an environment of fear where you start to hide things because you are concerned about the way they will respond.
Saying degrading things that you start to believe, causing you to change your behavior so they don’t say them.
Using a child as a weapon to gain control or demean you.

“You should never feel fearful, and that doesn’t just mean physically. Abuse is emotional and verbal as well — words hurt,” domestic violence clinician Brandolyn McPhail said.

“In my job I have seen situations where abusers will control everything down to electricity usage — putting lockboxes on circuit breakers, taking light bulbs out of the socket when they leave the house so that victims cannot use the lights.” McPhail said.

“There is a difference between being concerned to tell your partner something because they may get upset and being fearful of telling your partner something. You should never feel fearful, and that doesn’t just mean physically. Abuse is emotional and verbal, as well — words hurt.“

Creating a safety plan

It is hard to think logically and clearly in a crisis, so planning ahead is critical. Because each person’s access to safe people, places and resources varies, there is no one-size-fits-all plan. Some individuals may be able to rely on family members or friends. Others have church as a safe space, but for many it can seem as if there are no options.

Counselors and domestic violence experts are available through national and local hotlines 24/7 to assist in creating a safety plan tailored to each individual’s specific situation. “We want people to know that we are here for anyone who needs us,” Parker said.

Some universally important steps to take include having copies of important documents such as a driver’s license or ID, social security card, insurance cards and banking information. Also, consider packing a bag with essentials and leaving these items with a trusted friend, family member or even in your car or workplace.

“A lot of times victims don’t want to get a restraining order because they don’t want to take their partner away from their children,” Brandolyn said. “What they don’t realize is it is still possible to have visitation. We offer a safe visit/safe exchange program at the facility, where parents can safety exchange a child or even have supervised visits in our onsite playroom. There are options, and a lot of people don’t know that.”

Having a healthy relationship after an abusive one

For those who have been able to step away from an abusive relationship, it can be extremely difficult to share their story and begin to trust again.

Brittney Bouges, owner of Bogues Group and daughter of former Charlotte Hornets star Muggsy Bogues, bravely opened up to The Charlotte Observer about being attacked. “It’s not you, no matter what someone is telling you. You didn’t ask for this and you didn’t deserve it. Nothing you do or say would justify someone putting their hand on you.”

Brittney Bogues came forward with her story of survival and shares how she has been able to build a healthy relationship following an abusive one.

McPhail echoes that sentiment when helping to counsel survivors. “Abuse doesn’t define you. It is an experience you had, but it doesn’t define you. Look at what you can be proud of. It is your partner that needs to change, not you. It’s not your fault.”

One way that McPhail and others help guide survivors is by having them identify other relationships in their life — family, friends, children, coworkers — who have healthy patterns. Most people have at least one positive relationship that they can use to identify healthy behaviors and begin to learn to replicate them.

“Now that I’m in a happy and healthy relationship after being in an abusive one, there are clear, striking differences,” Bogues told CharlotteFive. “My new boyfriend showed me that love does not hurt. When I tell him my feelings, he doesn’t discard or belittle them. He is supportive, kind and honest.”

Look for the helpers

Melody Gross is both a child witness and a survivor. She launched her business, Courageous Shift, to offer one-on-one and group coaching, as well as consulting services to help businesses develop domestic violence policies.

One resource she created during COVID-19 is a Courageous Survivors Circle for those in the BIPOC community. The group is free and meets twice per month (currently online due to the coronavirus) to shed shame, feel support and discover coping mechanisms.

In addition, Gross created the Eva Lee Parker Fund, named for her late grandmother, which distributes funds to victims in need of financial assistance.

“I created this fund to help with everything from fixing broken items, to getting access to food to being able to pay for gas to leave a dangerous situation,” Gross said. “I ask very few questions of the women who request funding because there are already so many barriers for victims of abuse. Does that mean there may be people who take advantage of this? Maybe. But so often it is the financial abuse and lack of access to money that keeps women in abusive relationships, and I want to help alleviate that.”

Domestic violence resources

If you or someone you know is a victim of domestic abuse, there are resources available 24/7 both nationally and locally. For emergencies call 911.

National Hotline

800-799-7233 (SAFE), live chat is also available

Safe Alliance Hope Line

980-771-4673

National Teen Dating Violence Hotline

(ages 13-18) 866-331-9474 TEXT Love Is to 22522

Mecklenburg County Community Support Services

North Carolina Coalition Against Domestic Violence

919-956-9124

Atrium Domestic Violence Healthcare Project

Get our newsletter