When it comes to navigating any type of relationship in your life, setting boundaries is extremely important. And while you should consider doing it in the work place, with family, and/or with friends if necessary, setting boundaries is absolutely vital when dating.
Not only does it prevent you from potentially entering a toxic relationship, but it can also ensure your needs and wants are being expressed in a healthy way. It basically gives you control over how others will treat you, and will help you manage your expectations.
Now while we can all agree setting boundaries sounds great in theory, the problem is you may have no idea where to start or how to enforce them. So if you’re thinking things like “okay, but what is a boundary?” and “why do I need them?” don’t worry, we’ve got all the answers.
With the help of two experts, here’s everything you should know about setting boundaries below. Cheers to better, less toxic relationships that aren’t totally consuming your thoughts.
What is a boundary?
Boundaries are the rules or limits you set in your relationships, says licensed clinical psychologist Sheva Assar, PhD. They can protect you emotionally, physically, mentally, and financially—but they can also protect your time, energy, and belongings, says licensed therapist Sasha Jackson.
In terms of romantic relationships, “boundaries can allow each person within a relationship to feel safe, respected, fulfilled, and maintain their individuality even while maintaining a connection,” says Dr. Assar.
Some common boundaries may look like this:
- I’d like to share my location with you, but I’m not okay sharing passwords.
- I feel comfortable texting you when I can, but I will not during work hours.
- I love spending time with you, but I need to be by myself for an hour after work.
- I am not comfortable with you following models on Instagram.
- I love when you kiss me privately, but I am not comfortable with PDA.
Keep in mind that boundaries will look different from person to person though. One person’s needs may look a lot different than someone else’s, and that’s absolutely okay.
Why is it important to have boundaries while dating?
Like I said, setting boundaries could seriously prevent you from entering a toxic relationship. By doing it, you will establish what type of behavior you will and will not tolerate, so it will better help you determine who you are compatible with.
Jackson says that while people may feel like setting boundaries could limit their options or potential prospects, that is, well… pretty much the whole point. You’re not meant to be compatible with everyone in the world, so weeding out people who don’t give you what you need is your easiest solution in preventing heartbreak.
Plain and simple: “Establishing boundaries in the beginning allows you to set the tempo for what you expect and how you should be treated,” says Jackson.
Here are some other benefits of setting boundaries, according to Dr. Assar:
- Boundaries will protect and support you in making sure your individual needs and limits are being met.
- Knowing and implementing your boundaries will allow your partner to know what you expect of them, and therefore increase the likelihood of them being able to fulfill your needs.
- Seeing how your partner reacts to your boundaries will help you see if this is the type of person you want to be with.
- Setting boundaries can reduce the likelihood of misunderstandings, unfulfilled needs, and lack of safety and respect within a relationship.
What are some examples of boundaries you should implement in a relationship or while dating?
First, you’ll want to consider what matters to you, says Dr. Assar. Ask yourself things like: What are my limits? What do I feel comfortable with? What do I not feel comfortable with?
If it’s hard for you to come up with answers to these questions, Dr. Assar recommends thinking back on a previous relationship that didn’t end well. Identify what happened (or didn’t happen) that led to a poor relationship experience. “That could signal a boundary that was crossed or not met that is important to you,” she says.
In general though, there are a few important things you should establish boundaries on in the early stages of dating.
1. Communication. How often will you communicate with each other? Will it be by text, FaceTime, phone call? How often will you see each other every week? Will you have read receipts on?
2. Sex. Everyone has different levels of expressing intimacy and sexuality, says Jackson. For that reason, it’s very important to establish what you are and aren’t comfortable with when it comes to sex. If this is a partner you have sex with, you should discuss hard limits and safe words too.
3. What the future looks like. This would be the time to establish what the end goal of your relationship is. Is exclusivity or monogamy something you want? Is casual sex alright with you?
How do you set boundaries?
First, you want to be clear about your limits and non-negotiables, says Dr. Assar. If it helps, write them down on paper so you can see them clearly and accept them. Then, once you have identified your limits, non-negotiables, and boundaries, communicate them with your partner.
Remember that people are not mind readers; Your partner will not know your limits or needs unless you tell them directly. (Let’s stop pretending like “dropping hints” is a viable way to effectively communicate with someone.) So sit down your partner and have a conversation with them. It doesn’t have to be anything intense, it can even be done v casually during a conversation as it happens.
If your partner doesn’t do something you like, telling them in that moment and establishing the boundary would be a great way to make yourself heard.
Just remember to be consistent with your boundaries and respect them yourself. If something is important to you, stick by it—no matter how much you seemingly like the other person or how much you want to make an exception for them.
Jackson puts it perfectly: “Bending your boundaries for someone is not helpful for you or for them. Instead, it teaches the person how to not care for your well-being, while also hurting you in the process.”
What should you do if someone does not respect your boundaries?
Sorry, but if someone isn’t respecting your boundaries, it may be time for that relationship to end, says Jackson. It doesn’t matter if this is a new relationship or someone you’ve been with for a long time, boundaries should always be respected.
Of course, this all depends heavily on what the boundary is, how important it is to you, and the context of the relationship though, says Dr. Assar. But in general, “if they have not been respected or lead one to feel unsafe or unvalued in any way, you should respond in a way that ultimately supports and protects you”—whether that be ending the relationship, going to couple’s counseling, or firmly addressing why it’s important to you, says Dr. Assar.
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