HEALTHY MEN: Listening is key to communication | Lifestyles
Wordless moments can be just as intimate — if not more so — than verbal ones, says Armin Brott.
Dear Healthy Men: I’m always trying to talk with my husband about health, parenting, our relationship and other things. But we never seem to be able to have a decent conversation. Why is it that so many men aren’t able to communicate their feelings?
A: While I’d love to be able to answer your question, I can’t — largely because the question itself is flawed. Men are not only quite capable of communicating, they do it all the time. The problem is too few people see men’s (and boys’) communication for what it is, or they simply don’t understand what’s being communicated. As Dr. Salvatore Giorgianni, senior science adviser at Men’s Health Network, puts it, “It’s a receiver issue, not a sender issue.”
At the core of this blindness to men’s communication — particularly when it has to do with emotions and feelings — is the prevailing view that women’s way of communicating is the right way. As a result, non-female ways of expression are seen as flawed or just plain wrong. One has to look no further than the standard tools used by mental-health professionals to screen patients for depression and anxiety.
Stereotypically feminine symptoms (such as crying, feelings of worthlessness, self-blame and guilt) are red flags. But stereotypically masculine symptoms (such as working longer hours, social isolation, anger and risky behavior, including substance abuse) aren’t — and are often ignored. As a result, a woman with depression is more likely to be referred for treatment, whereas a man is more likely to be referred to an anger-management program or sent home and told to “man up.”
