How should I talk to my kids about sexual assault? Duluth child advocate weighs in

TWIN PORTS — After news this week that a Superior gymnastics coach was charged with sexually assaulting two teens, some parents are left wondering how to talk to their kids about it.

It is not an easy conversation to have, but it is one that could prevent harm and help keep kids safe.

PAVSA Safe Harbor Regional Navigator for Northeast Minnesota Mel Alvar said sexual violence can happen to anyone; even children are at risk.

“We have no idea how many people at this point have experienced sexual violence, so it’s honestly good to assume that it happens to a lot of people and that you’re going to meet someone in your life at some point who has experienced it,” Alvar said.

Alvar works with families who have experienced sexual violence through the Program for Aid to Victims of Sexual Assault (PAVSA).

She said it is never too early or too late for parents to talk about what healthy relationships look like.

“Talking about things like consent and body autonomy, so essentially helping children understand that their body is their own,” Alvar said.

If parents hear of an assault case in their community, Alvar said they should keep an open line of communication with their kids and ask about their thoughts.

“We’re not always going to be able to be there to protect our children, so we need to help them build the tools to be able to recognize that gut feeling that ‘I’m uncomfortable, and I think I should tell somebody about it,'” she said.

The method of conversation is also important; have talks with your kid while doing activities that they are interested in.

“Walking with them and having a conversation rather than sitting down like ‘Okay, we’re going to have a talk now.’ That’s really threatening and intimidating for some kids.”

Alvar said parents should also accept that kids do not always want to tell mom or dad about sexual assault, so they should have access to other trusted people.

“‘If I’m not the one that you want to talk about it, who are your safe people? Is it your auntie? Is it your uncle? Is it your cousin? Let’s build that support system for you so you know if anything ever happens that you can go to them for help.'”

The big takeaway: have honest conversations with your kids early and often about consent and trusting their gut.

“Also part of that conversation is talking about how it is never the child’s fault when there is an adult involved,” Alvar said. “It is the adult who made that decision, who did something wrong, who did something illegal, who harmed you, and it is never your fault.”

For additional support, families can and should reach out for help.

“Give us a call, let us help support you in that, and just validating those feelings of ‘someone in your community broke your trust, and this is scary, and I don’t know if it’s happened to my children, and I want to find out,'” Alvar said.

Douglas County District Attorney Mark Fruehauf said in an email if a parent believes a crime has been committed against their child, they should contact law enforcement so it can be investigated.

Call 911 if you are in immediate danger.

If you or your family becomes a victim of sexual violence, PAVSA in Duluth and CASDA in Superior want to support you.

PAVSA offers free and confidential therapy for people in southern St. Louis County.

Their 24-hour helpline is 218-726-1931.

Right now, they host a Facebook Live event every Wednesday at 5 p.m. to discuss internet safety and how to talk about sexual grooming with your kids.

Click here to learn more about PAVSA.

CASDA supports people in Superior.

Their main line is 715-392-3136.

CASDA’s 24-hour helpline is 800-649-2921.

Click here to learn more about CASDA.