The equivalent of 30 hospitals have filled up with coronavirus patients since half the country was allowed to mingle on Christmas Day.
The poorest, and hardest-working people we have, who are more likely to be doing jobs that the rest of us cannot live without, are to be docked £20 a week.
And now every adult over 18 has been promised a possible invitation to take one half of a vaccine that does not always appear.
Usually when a group of people kill, punish, and betray innocents like that they’re called criminals. In 2021 it’s called a government.
Yet we are where we are, which is a country that has done more than almost any other to protect its citizens with not one, not two, but three whizzy new vaccines, and has also managed to oversee the greatest number of civilian deaths than the Second World War.
We have spent unprecedented sums, with a number of zeroes that even Professor Stephen Hawking could only just about grasp the dimensions of, helping people through a pandemic in which we have not only missed out 10% of working-age adults but are now actively considering taking money away from people who need it most.
And now, surrounded as we are by debts and death and a deadline for lifting lockdown that is vanishing into the distance, the government is to expend a huge amount of civil service and Parliamentary time on protecting what it sees as the most vulnerable and put-upon members of society.
Presumably, this genius move will be followed by an apprenticeship scheme for Cybermen, and some sort of tax credit to help Daleks get on the housing ladder. Or maybe they’ll decide to give us all citizenship lessons in being kinder to pavements, or making us consider the emotional impact our intolerance has on Spaghetti Junction.
But it is the case that as of now, ministers of Her Majesty want to spend indeterminate millions of pounds keeping some rocks safe. Rocks that have been formed from either cooled lava, superheated prehistoric animal bones, or liquified mineral ores, which as we all know find it very difficult to feed the children they don’t have because of the low wages in the gig economy in which they do not work hard.
They are not in line for the vaccination which might not turn up anyway, and they do present a drain on the public purse for the cost of regular cleaning, in return for which they don’t lift a finger themselves, the lazy, feckless, statuesque b*****ds.
Despite their ingratitude they are, nevertheless, an important part of the civic architecture which most people largely ignore and take no notice of whatsoever. Which is why they need protecting from anyone who does notice them, in case they say something like “he was a bit of a w****r, wasn’t he?”
Statues of those nice men, Saddam Hussein and Joseph Stalin, should never have been toppled in the wake of wars and popular uprisings. They should have had a small notice pinned to their plinths about how they were murderous tyrants, as well as glorious leaders of the revolution, and they needed to be considered in the context of also being hard-working dads and job-creators.
We must not allow, as the City of Bristol did not when it prosecuted those who toppled the statue of Edward Colston last year in the Black Lives Matters protests, the rights of actual human beings to be put before those of some inanimate objects.
After all, someone worked very hard to make those statues. Your average statue-toppler was merely the product of decades or even centuries of intolerance, oppression, and official stupidity, so the best solution to all that is obviously to arrest them.
Let’s take millions of pounds from people, and hungry children, take the public sector’s attention away from delivering the vaccine which is all that will save us from Boris Johnson, and spend it all on a new law protecting things that no-one liked or noticed anyway, because Dead Lives Matter.
Let’s blame the Lefties, and the wokeists, and pompously opine with privately-educated vowels how ignorant the mob is being when it acts as people always have to symbolise the end of bad behaviour, which is to see if a statue can swim, or test its reaction to being firmly slapped with a flip-flop.
If you stop to think, this is a rather brilliant way of overthrowing a wrong-‘un. If you can topple a statue and it fails to do the 25-metre breast stroke, then it was probably a harmless lump of rock and the regime it represents can be similarly dismantled. Choose your moment well, and the only thing that dies is a tyrant’s ego.
Demanding protesters seek planning permission before testing the ability of a statue to shoot them in the head is silly, especially when you consider the fact that Mr Colston did not seek permission for slave-trading while making a lovely profit which he spent on charity only for people he approved of. Victorian Bristolians initially refused to fund his effigy, can’t think why, so it was paid for by some rich mates instead.
A ‘mob’ is defined as a large crowd of people intent on causing trouble. The worst one we have at the moment – the one that ignores the law, shows no sign of intelligence, and damages every single thing it lays its hands upon – is called the government.
And so I entirely agree with its demand that its worst excesses be curbed with legislation, banning all members of it from ever being a member of anything except the Bullingdon Club ever again. They should be in a museum, considered in context, and then dumped in the river just to be sure.